Utterly Worthless
by Claret.Bordeaux
Summary: “Crud, Hakkai. Quit making me look bad.” I have no idea why I had to come. After all, I'm just a waste of skin. [No pairings, Gojyocentric. Despite the summary, not entirely written in Gojyo's POV.]


**Utterly Worthless**

**Rating:** K. Not much to be apprehensive of if you've already read Saiyuki.  
**Summary:** "Crud, Hakkai. Quit making me look bad." I have no idea why I even had to come. [No pairings, Gojyo-centric.  
**A/N:** Gojyo's POV in italics. Set after the Kami-sama Arc … probably. No pairings, but if your imagination wants to run away with you, then by all means. (Personally, though, I'm a threesome fan. xD.) Don't own 'em, couldn't if I tried.

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I always had doubts, you know? I don't want to sound like some pathetic dick and say it was because of my half-assed childhood … but yeah. That's probably the problem. _

"Is something troubling you?" Hakkai asked.

They had set-up camp that night, and he and Gojyo were at the bank of a river preparing to sleep. Goku was already curled up in bed, and Sanzo was in one of those moods again. He was off somewhere alone, smoking and thinking. About what, Hakkai couldn't say. He assumed that despite Sanzo's condemning of regrets and angst, even he had some from time to time. Hakkai was brushing his teeth and Gojyo had just finished taking a bath and had a towel draped over his shoulders. After many years of practice, Gojyo had managed to smoke, bathe and dry himself without putting out his Hi-Lite.

"Eh?" Gojyo tilted his head, making an, 'I-have-some-idea-of-what-you're-talking-about-but-am-pretending-I-don't' expression.

Hakkai spit and bent to wash his toothbrush. "You know, you have your hair tied up again. It's been a few days, I thought you'd have realized you keep doing it," Hakkai said. Living with someone for three years was nothing to sneeze at. Hakkai already knew Gojyo's little quirks fairly well. He didn't smoke as much after having sex, he flicked his lighter when he was anxious or bored, he bought apples from the market place when someone mentioned his eyes or hair color, and he always put his red locks in a ponytail when he was depressed.

_I was so desperate to … to be loved? No. Maybe just to have my existence acknowledged. Just to make her smile all on my own. _

Gojyo passed his hand through his long mane as if to make sure that he really had put his hair up. "Oh, yeah," he said dismissively. "We haven't stopped in a town for a while and I'm running out of sticks. You know how it is."

"Not much, being someone who doesn't smoke," Hakkai said. They both knew that reason wasn't good enough, and Hakkai was just too concerned to not ask again. When they had first met Gojyo hadn't asked him anything about his affairs, and he had followed suit, but now they weren't strangers anymore. He wasn't some man Gojyo had picked up off the street, and Gojyo was certainly not just anyone who had dragged him back from the brink of hell. Now they were friends, and if that word had any meaning, any weight to it, then he was allowed to pry this once. "Really, Gojyo. If you won't tell me, then that's fine, but …"

A strange expression came across Gojyo's face.

_They depend on me too._

The half-youkai looked down, his long crimson bangs covering the bewildering look that Hakkai could not place under any category of emotion. If 'waterfall drying up' could be a feeling, that was the closest he could compare that face Gojyo made. "What's wrong?"

Gojyo chuckled. His hand raked through his hair that he hated so much, pausing at where all of it gathered at the back of his head. He yanked the tie binding all those beautiful red tresses and they fell across his shoulders, down his back, a cascade of red. They were still wet from the bath and clung to his tan skin and despite Hakkai's best efforts it looked like Gojyo was bleeding. "There," Gojyo breathed, shaking his head a little, "my mood feels better already." He shot a smirk at Hakkai. "That make you feel better?"

_I'm sick of it._

Sometimes Gojyo's inappropriate timing for jokes could strain Hakkai's nerves. "No," he said emphatically. "You can act that way now, but I'll find out sooner or later."

"Th – that sounds more like a threat than a heart-to-heart," Gojyo said, his eye twitching.

_Because …_

Hakkai's token smile crept back on to his face. "Oh really?"

_I'm just not good enough, am I?_

That night it was cold. Goku was curled up in the back of the jeep, muttering and snoring fitfully in his sleep. Hakkai could see Gojyo from the rear-view mirror. He was sitting up, looking at a pack of cigarettes. From his expression, he was likely debating on whether or not to take a smoke while Sanzo was sleeping and risk waking the low-blood pressure priest.

"'Kai."

He looked up at hearing his name called. "Yes?"

_I'm just not smart enough, am I?_

Coming to a decision, Gojyo flicked open his lighter and lit a Hi-Lite. He inhaled deeply and Hakkai could see the tell-tale signs of him trying to think of a way to word whatever had been on his mind for the past week. "Hell, why beat around the bush, right?" He blew out a cloud of smoke. "What's the point of me coming with you?"

Hakkai was silent for a moment. He was remembering. _"Crud, Hakkai. Quit making me look bad."_ And he had left too. But that was about Kami-sama, wasn't it? He had feared that perhaps that was what had troubled him. "Oh Gojyo …"

"Save that for when I get an illegitimate kid," Gojyo muttered, the burning end of his cigarette bobbing up and down like a distressed firefly. His lighter clicked open and closed with irritating rhythm.

Really ill-timed jokes. "How could you think that? Without any one of us, especially you, this group would fall apart."

_I'm just not strong enough … am I?_

"Why 'especially me'?!" Gojyo's voice straining itself to keep down. "You, definitely. We couldn't eat on the road, we wouldn't have a ride. If you weren't around Sanzo would have ditched us and gone off by himself. Without your barrier or your healing skills we'd be dead ten times over by now! And the monkey's twice as strong as I am." Gojyo's cigaretter dropped to the floor but he didn't notice. "He's fucking indestructible, Seiten Taisei or not! Even if he always whines and can't eat enough, when he goes berserk he's …" More than just a god.

"And Sanzo. Well, he's the only reason we're coming right?" Gojyo had a bitter grin on his face as he fumbled to get another cigarette from his pack. "To top it all off, I haven't done one goddamn thing."

Hakkai nodded slowly. It wasn't jealousy, no. His personality, his pride, could never allow it. "When you left before, we were worried to the point of insanity. We drove back a day's journey just to get you."

"So you could beat the crap outta me."

"Hah hah, admittedly yes."

"You know …"

_This pathetic self. I want to throw it all away._

"… you're not a complete waste of skin."

The two turned to the priest. His eyes were still closed, he was comepletely motionless. Then he sprung to life, like a wind-up doll suddenly had its spring let go. He shook out a Marlboro Red, a matched flared briefly in the dark and Sanzo sucked in a deep breath before he spoke again. "The Three Aspects ordered that you come. Isn't that enough?"

"But –"

"Why?" Sanzo completed the question. Smoke streamed out of his mouth. "What does it matter? Like you say, you're stuck with us. Aren't you?" He turned his bottomless purple eyes towards Gojyo.

_But I can't._

Those fiercely violet eyes. "Let me make this perfectly clear. We need you." Hakkai and Gojyo stared at him. Such a profound statement, Hakkai thought. Sanzo may be a blunt person by nature, but this was more along the lines of a confession, coming from the priest's mouth. "If only to fill space," he added. "We can't fulfill this mission with three people, right?" He inhaled again. "But Goku was going crazy when you were gone."

"So were you," Hakkai pointed out. "In your own, passive sort of way."

Sanzo choked. "That was about Kami-sama!"

"Ahh! So you admit it," the demon slayer said with a rather content smile. "And I didn't put the words in your mouth this time."

The oppressive atmosphere magically lifted, and Gojyo chuckled. He raked his hands through his hair. Bigger hands now. Capable ones.

"Anyways," Sanzo said, putting out his cigarette. "Your leaving would make you even more useless, and currently your angst just makes me want to shoot you." He leaned back in his chair and motioned for Gojyo to light it. Too shocked to say anything, the half-breed ignited the end of the cigarette. Sanzo's mouth twisted into a smirk. "Even if I have my own matches, I run out. Sometimes I need a lighter."

_Or more accurately, I'm not allowed to._

"So if you run away again I'll just kill you and take it," Sanzo finished. He finished the cigarette in the quiet that followed and then threw it out on the ground, where it flared briefly before dying in the damp grass. "Now go to sleep."

Gojyo stretched out in the back seat, his cigarette burning close to his mouth. That voice could be so clear and strong. "Thank you, Sanzo-sama," he said with sugary sweetness.

"Shut up and sleep before I decide on eternal rest."

_No matter what. I can't get rid of what I am, but I can_

Those harsh words. They were exactly what needed to be said.

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**End Notes:** Argh!! It's soo incredibly hard for me to keep them all in character!! My mind is far more melodramatic than the actual thing. It's really irritating!! Especially Sanzo. He's so hard to understand, I can't possibly get into his head. His personality is too … hidden! D: He's just such a profoundly compelling person, like the devil! Ack, saying that makes me blush. (It's true though!) This has been beta-ed by wonderful Manic, and I really couldn't tweak Hakkai at all! Crap cakes. 

I knew how to start this fic but then I couldn't think of a way to end it. It was initially just Gojyo and Hakkai, but it was going nowhere so I introduced Sanzo to see what would happen. It's too cheesy to use the family setting. Sanzo would not take kindly to being "Daddy" either, so I had to think of something. Siiiigh. Oh! And I'm terribly sorry if the italics part was hard to keep up with. It's easy for me, but I wrote the damn thing, so.

I'm a newcomer to Saiyuki fanfiction, by the way. (I thought I should mention this in the end, so if someone were to think, "What's this crap?!" they would read this and forgive me.) If it's all right, please review! I would like some tips on characterization and writing style.

**Written to:** Nickelback's "How You Remind Me", for the most part. Some of Chris Daughtry's new song, whatever it is.


End file.
